Winter Wonderland

My sister has written a rebuttal to my rant post about her winter complaints.

This is a re-butt-al to end all this nonsense! 


  • Subtropical
  • When it gets cold you don a light cardigan. 
  • When it is windy, you turn up the collar of your beach cover-up.  
  • When it gets damp, you shut the windows.
  • Near North Carolina


  • Subarctic
  • When it gets cold, you don long underwear, insulated socks, two pairs of pants, a long undershirt, a long-sleeved turtle neck, a sweater, boots, ski pants, hooded jacket, scarf, ear muffs, stocking cap, gloves, mitts, and depending on the day, possibly goggles and cramp-ons*.
  • When it gets windy, you tie a rope to the heaviest  object in the house and then around your waist before venturing outside, lest you get blown into the next city.
  • When it gets damp…well…this could be either SNOW or SLEET.  For snow, you shovel it.  You have never shovelled anything like Canadian snow.  Then there are the wind-rows. This is the combination snow/ice that is left in your driveway after the plow has gone by.  It is impossible to shovel because it is the hardest substance known to humans.  You need to buy dynamite to shift it!  If it is sleet, you have to crawl to the garage, pry the door open hoping it is not frozen solid.  You get a bag of salt and throw the whole thing all over the driveway in hopes that enough of the frozen precipitation will melt that you will be able to get up off your knees to go to the store to buy more salt.
  • Near Greenland and Alaska.

* Cramp-ons – these are metal spikes much like those worn by the more vicious skin-heads, but these are attached to strips of rubber and affixed to the bottom of your winter boots.  Many people swear by them and state that they can walk without fear on slippery surfaces.  I am pretty sure that I have heard store owners swear by them as well, when a bunch of senior citizens wearing cramp-ons come clanking and clanging through their establishment, gouging the floors with those steel spikes!

So, dear, aka Helen of Bermuda, why don’t you just give up and admit defeat.  I’ve got you beat, mittens down!